


A Thousand Ways, A Hundred Steps

by Sombereyes



Category: Mai-HiME
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Romance, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-28
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-12-07 17:26:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sombereyes/pseuds/Sombereyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natsuki's tried to put most of the pieces back together in her life, but there's still one thing missing, and she intends to put things right again. Set right after the carnival. HiME-verse. One Shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Thousand Ways, A Hundred Steps

**Author's Note:**

> (This was originally posted up on the FFN on 11-28-12) I'm posting it here because I'd really like to starting being an active user of the Ao# again...seeing as I've only used this place sparingly.
> 
> A/N: Co-written with a friend of mine named Shannon. We got bored yesterday afternoon, and it was a slow day, and this is the result. The song used is "Perfect" by Marianas Trench. Drama and angst...but light at the end of the tunnel...anyway, hope you all enjoy.

 

**One Thousand Ways, One Hundred Steps.**

Summer classes had come to an end, Natsuki had passed them with flying colors, meaning she only had one more year left of high school, and she was thankful for that. After the events of the carnival, everyone had been doing their best to try to pick up the pieces the best that they could. Natsuki dove into her books with fervor, trying to make up for lost ground. It wasn't that she had to study very hard, but there was a lot of content to cover if she wanted to test out of her classes. She'd had very little time for much else, but, she assumed it was the same for many others.

Mai was working hard, double, sometimes triple overtime, trying to pay for Takumi's medical bills, tuition, and all of their other living expenses. It upset Natsuki that Mai's father hadn't been around for them, or helped them more, still with how hard Mai was working, Natsuki had decided that she'd help pay for them too, her sizable allowance something that came from several different places.

First, there was her trust fund, she wouldn't have full access to the money until she was twenty, however, she did get several thousand yen a week to do what she wanted with. The second part of her income came from her father, it was pocket change in comparison, but it was hers to do with as she wished. Finally there were the bank accounts her mother left her. Several of them actually, all with more money than Natsuki knew what to do with.

That was how she was able to pay Yamada and his increasingly high rates, and how she was able to spend so much money on her expensive hobbies. Now that the carnival was over however, she found she had quite a bit more to spend every month, and helping Mai, who had become like a sister to her, came as second nature. She'd gone out to pick up this months allowance, a thick packet of notes, and only removed a few of them for herself, leaving Mai the rest under her pillow.

Sending Takumi abroad was very expensive, and it would take Mai years to pay off everything... Natsuki shook her head as she remembered the fight she'd had with Mai about being helpful. Mai really didn't like asking for help, something Natsuki could sympathize with.

That was another change, small though it seemed for some, it was new for Natsuki. She'd never lived in the dorms before. Everyone had gone out it seemed, and with her errands done for the day, she went about shoving her snacks under her bed, and her booze, which she acquired from one of her contacts, behind the drawer in her desk. There were rules here that she'd never followed in her apartment. If she wanted to drink, she drank, if she invited a few friends over, they could smoke without an issue...it was odd being treated like a child, being told that she couldn't do something, no matter what it happened to be.

There was even a curfew, not that she would ever abide by it.

It didn't much matter today though. She was without anything to do. Nao was actually being responsible for once, and had taken Mikoto out for the afternoon, to keep her from being bored. Normally, Natsuki would be left with the clingy little terror until Mai got back to feed her. With little else left to do with herself, she sighed as she flipped the channels on her television screen, nothing was on today...then again, nothing was ever on in recent days.

Perhaps it was just because she'd found herself to be in a particularly bad mood recently...she hadn't given much thought to it, but her games had also been left neglected. It was odd for her, perhaps, but she didn't really want to play much of anything, and she had a feeling her doldrums had very little to do with the cloudy weather outside. No, that would have made sense, it would have been obvious, and overt...but this feeling, it wasn't like that.

It felt empty.

 

  
_Please sing to me,_  
 _I can see you open up to breathe._  
 _Fast words make it easier on me,_  
 _If the points to never disappoint you,_  
 _Somebody's got to tell me what to do_

Without meaning to do it, she found herself staring at an old photo she'd taken with Shizuru, and finding that she didn't like the pang in her chest when she considered how long it had been since she talked with the tawny haired woman...the lack of connection between them was starting to take its toll. Yet, avoidance was the first, and always most reliable solution, at least, for immediate relief.

She was a master at it.

Her eyes darted to the homework she'd left abandoned, and she flat out rolled her eyes when she found that Mai's bed was perfectly made, and Mikoto's had been untouched for weeks. Her bed, the one she was laying across was rumpled to hell, but she didn't much care. She wanted some form of life, of knowing she was still breathing, she hadn't had that type of thrill in forever it seemed, her daily routine a disappearing act before her eyes. Natsuki knew that she wasn't going to be able to just put everything back together after the events of the battle, but she most certainly didn't think she'd be bored out of her mind either, and with Shizuru busy with university classes, things were just not right.

They hadn't been right at all, not like they should be. She dialed a number she knew by heart, but she only got the answering machine in response. "Hey, I know you're there, so pick up, would you?" She waited a few moments, and no one picked up the phone. "Okay, I'll check your cell then...anyway, call me when you get this, if I haven't reached you already." When she called the cell phone, it went directly into voice mail.

"Damn..." Natsuki cursed at that, turning off the television, fishing for her biking leathers. She'd likely get another referral for driving her motorcycle around, Fumi never did like when Natsuki drove it around the campus. Still, she didn't much care, if she got a detention, so be it. She wanted out of her cadge as soon as possible, if only to fix more of the damage the carnival caused. It wasn't like she could blame everything on those events, but she wanted to try at first. It was easy enough to do, she figured, although the real reason behind the strife was something more delicate.

Shizuru's feelings had come pouring out in the worst outburst that could have possibly been imagined, and the lingering tension was something they both struggled with. They'd drifted, even if only slightly. Most would never really notice how the teasing or offhanded comments had ebbed, nearly waning out completely. It wouldn't be obvious to anyone, that Shizuru had begun to stop getting so close, or that she had started to become more unreachable as time trickled onward. Natsuki herself hadn't noticed it much at first either, but she'd been preoccupied with studying, and Shizuru's own life had also demanded attention.

Now though, there were a few more lingering weeks before her classes started back up, and Shizuru had been long settled into her routine. Natsuki thought things would have gone back together, would have begun to get normal again. Natsuki waited in vain at first for the teases that never came, or that gentle touch in passing that spoke of something beyond friendship...she'd been waiting for her chance to really talk with Shizuru...and do it openly.

It hadn't come along though, none of it, and Natsuki couldn't understand why.

Shizuru wasn't around in the empty class room like she normally was. The students had dubbed it for meetings, or private activities, but Shizuru hid in there on a daily basis...meetings, or no meetings, punishments or no punishments. Shizuru was the type that enjoyed being alone, but she also knew the joys of friends too. The halls seemed quiet now that the fan girls were no longer out in force, their cheering whenever Shizuru was near had ebbed down into nothingness. So much had changed, and yet, if you were to look around, if you weren't apart of the HiME force, and their little world, you'd never know of the end...of how everything was both the same, and yet, so very gone.

Lost...before it had even started.

 

  
_I just wish you could have seen me_  
 _When it used to come so easy._  
 _I'd like to say that it's easy to stay_  
 _But it's not for me,_  
 _Cause I'm barely here at all._

She's walked thousands of steps in her life, made hundreds of plans to take revenge on people who had taken away her mother...but now, as she spent her days in the loneliness of her dorm, one that she didn't occupy strictly by herself, she realized that she hadn't a single clue on how to fix things...this wasn't just a cut, she couldn't slap some gauze on it and go about her day...she could do that, she was used to doing that. This...it wasn't like that, and would never be that easy. People, they were so much more fragile, and if Natsuki had learned anything from the carnival, it was that very profound lesson.

She'd tried...desperately hard to keep things together when the fighting had been going on.

"Takumi, he said he doesn't need me any more." Mai's echoing words as she sat broken in ashes of carnage, as if she'd failed tremendously. It was something that tore at Natsuki's core. She tried so much to look after Mai, to keep her from awakening, but Takumi, the boy was a good kid, and Natsuki knew if she'd have anyone like that, she'd fight to protect him too...but Mai's heart was deeper...her brother wasn't her most important person. The hearts of the HiME were an ebb and flow that didn't follow any strict path, Natsuki knew that now.

"Well, what about you Mai, you said you had a reason to keep fighting all this time, so what is it!" Because she'd yelled that in desperation...she'd slapped someone she considered a friend, and tried her best to keep Mai's heart intact, to keep people from losing each other...but what was the reason? Why had she cared so much about Mai, Mikoto, Shizuru...and even Nao. Why had she cared about them, and the hurt they'd all carried? Why had she tried to stop it and protect them? She still didn't have that answer, though she knew the shadows would never tell her either.

That echo was only one of many, of memories she couldn't get rid of, of things she'd seen that became shadows when she closed her eyes...

In the depth of sleep, she'd see pain within crimson eyes, they haunted her often. Each time they filled with tears, she awoke in a cold sweat, and found herself cursing the battle, and her stupidity all over again. She hated that...seeing those eyes so sad. Still, as much as she wanted to put things back together, she realized she hadn't the slightest clue how she could.

There were many echo's...Nao and Shizuru, those memories came in vivid color, she'd been unable to move, and forced to watch the horrific exchange. "My eye still hurts." Then venom, the toxic pain in Nao's words...the teen was young enough that she still had time to calm down and mellow out, and Natsuki knew that. Nao's anger, it wasn't unlike her own at that age...a bit more evil in nature perhaps, but, that too, was due to Nao's age. It was easy after all, getting swept up in the fit of anger that resulted when the chips were down, and a precious soul was left on the line. Fate was a bitch in times like that, and Natsuki, she'd done her best when she'd had the chance.

But the best was hardly good enough.

Shizuru had taken Nao's child, and thus her mother away from her, but thankfully, Natsuki had quelled the madness at least once, had kept Nao's life in tact. Still, it was twisted, torn, and battered...Natsuki didn't have a way to put Nao, or anyone back together...least of all, Shizuru. The battle, it did so much irreparable damage, Natsuki hated herself for the mere idea that she could begin to put the fragments back together. Nao was okay now, her sight was back, her mother was where she should be...still on this earth, even if still asleep. Mai was as happy as ever, and Mikoto was back to being innocent, aggravatingly so...but Shizuru...

What could she do for her?

 

  
_Slow down now, the secrets out._  
 _And I swear now, everything is perfect._  
 _What you want, what you need has been killing me._  
 _Try to be everything that you want me to be._  
 _I'll say yes, I'll undress, I've done more for less._  
 _Now I'll change everything until it's perfect again._

Her mind always carried her away at the thought of her friend...that's what she was, still, as fractured as that friendship was. The real truth was out now, and Natsuki hated it...not Shizuru's confession, or her feelings, but the fact she'd had no idea what to do about it. Her feet carried her down pathways well known, and it wasn't the first time, nor the last time, that she'd end up scowling at those stupid flowers that she often wished to smash. She wanted to destroy those flowerbeds, and the one she stood in front of taunted her, but no matter what she wanted to do...and she wanted to rip them all apart...she just couldn't.

She couldn't make Shizuru's kindness go away, her words a soft melody that just wouldn't leave her mind.

The gentle smile that had been on her face, her eyes trustingly closed, the wind tousling her hair in the breeze. She'd stood there with acceptance, as reserved as it was, that Natsuki had never had directed her way before. Never blindly, and with such conviction as that. Shizuru's presence became second nature after that. She was cool and collected, when Natsuki herself couldn't be. Her words fulled with something hidden, Natsuki now understood such a tone to be affection. The love Shizuru gave, unconditionally and unwaveringly, it had been so deep and vast that it seemed apart of Shizuru's very nature.

So, Natsuki hadn't seen it.

She hadn't seen the sideways glances that would trail over her body. She had trusted Shizuru enough not to take notice of the way she sipped her tea, hiding her desires from view. She casually sat in proximity to the laptop, sometimes leaning over Shizuru, or even resting her head on her lap during long nights. She never meant for it to be something beyond friendship, and Shizuru, she knew that. She knew how hard it was, how difficult it would be for anyone to earn the trust of someone so angry and lonely.

The fact that she's acquired even that, Natsuki knew now that Shizuru had been afraid to lose it, something so seemingly inconsequential for most of the world, but for Shizuru losing something even that insignificant meant the worst of damnation. The flowers wafting in the cooling breeze told well of that truth. Her memory would not easily be forgotten, and Natsuki knew well that she wouldn't be able to let things go on like this. Caught between the lines of expectation and assumption, she needed help, she was afraid of downing...but at the same time, she knew that if she did, it would be a fitting end.

At least then, everything she'd done would have come full circle, and at least then, she'd have paid a price.

"Damn it, Shizuru..." Natsuki said then, pulling out her cell phone, calling a number both ingrained in the back of her mind, and saved in eight different places, from her computer, to written in the corner of her apartment wall...well, it was there before Nao put a hole in it. "Pick up...answer." She knew it would be the same response though. They only talked a few times a week, because Shizuru said she needed the space, but Natsuki, she didn't want it. She wanted...well, she didn't honestly know, but space was the furthest thing from it. "Gahhh! Fuck it then!" She shouted at the little beep that told her Shizuru was unable to answer, snapping her phone shut harshly.

This was driving her crazy.

She was on the borderline of everything she thought she knew, and she didn't get it. She couldn't just randomly love someone, could she? No, it didn't work that way, and Shizuru wasn't being fair here. Taking her choices away before she even had a chance to grasp them. "This is completely stupid...idiot!" Natsuki Kuga was many things, and some of them were less than respectable, but she was the furthest thing from a coward that she could be...human, she was utterly imperfect as a human, completely dense, and a bit more brash than she perhaps should be, but she refused to let this go on.

These questions, they needed answers, and she needed them now.

Shizuru's dorm room was on the third floor of the building, one that was much larger than Natsuki was used to, but she'd memorized the route easily when Shizuru had showed her the way. Her mind was racing, and she didn't much care that it was spitting rain on her already cloudy day. She was sick of this mindless, useless feeling in her chest that wouldn't go away, and didn't seem to get better either. Space, the mere idea was just...it was frustrating, and she wanted nothing more than to punch a hole in a wall. At least that would make her feel something, even if was only pain.

It was then she realized pain wasn't only fitting, it was likely the same thing Shizuru had been feeling.

It pissed her off.  
Confused the hell out of her.  
Made her want to shout at the top of her lungs.  
Yet at the same time, crumpling down in a corner, crying, seemed like a decent alternative.  
Anything...she needed to vent, and if she was going to do it, she wanted her voice to be heard.

This suffering, awaiting the unknown, watching the days pass by...she wanted it to stop... it had to end, had to become something else entirely...though what that something was, she was unsure...she wanted to be there for Shizuru, but, she couldn't just do that. Things weren't so easy, though she had wished to the gods that it would be. She called the cell phone one more time...It went directly to voice mail. "Open this door!" Natsuki bellowed loud enough to wake the dead, but even as she did, her foot was already in the air.

 

  
_Coming down, coming around,_  
 _Giving a frown, to the sound when I hit ground._  
 _I hate the way, that I say, I should say_  
 _When I know that I don't give a fuck about it anyway._  
 _Shake hands, and shoot smiles all around,_  
 _As I sell my body by the pound._  
 _Sign my name on the dotted line,_  
 _It would be fate, to not resuscitate._

She knew it likely wasn't smart to bust the door down, or in, or even to smack into it at all, but logic had already left her by the time she'd climbed the flights of stars, and had passed several students talking about how wonderful, and beautiful Shizuru was... she was already amassing a new fan club, and if that hadn't made Natsuki want to scream, there were very few things that would. If the door was the only casualty in all of this, she'd consider her day to be successful.

If that woman had one skill, any skill at all, it was making Natsuki go crazy...and she didn't even know it.  
~Bang~  
The door flung open easily enough, hitting the wall, and denting the door stopper.  
~Bang~  
Her fist connected with it again, putting a second dent into the metal. "Damn it, Shizuru, pick up your cell phone when I call you."  
~Bang~  
Natsuki ranted, not really minding that she'd surprised Shizuru right out of the book she'd been reading, the large tome for study now on the floor.  
~Bang~  
"Making me worry like that."

Her fist kept hitting the door, though now her hands were turning red, and and her flying fists began to weaken. "Sending me to voice mail, it didn't even ring." She was becoming breathless, and her fury was starting to ebb into something she could handle easily. "Do you want me to worry about you?" Natsuki asked harshly, though there was unmistakable truth in her words, her wavering voice shaking as Natsuki tried to pull air into her lungs.

Shizuru's unwavering mask was already in place, and it made Natsuki sick. Was she really the only one unglued? She doubted it, she knew there was no way Shizuru could be so placid after that type of tirade. Where was her comfort? Where was the unshakable embrace when she needed it? No, something was off, just like it had been, and whatever that something was, it was rearing it's ugly head, even as Natsuki's hands stung, the reddening marks already starting to bruise.

"I was merely studying Natsuki, I didn't want to be disturbed." Shizuru said, her voice cool and gentle, like it always used to be.

Natsuki didn't miss it though, the lack of sincerity that was always so thick in her voice. "No, that's bull crap, and you know it." It was as clear as day when she looked for those little hints, and it didn't get past Natsuki.

Shizuru was practically forcing herself to stay put, even though her eyes had darted quite a few times to Natsuki's hands, and then back to the door that had encountered such rage. "Natsuki..." Shizuru's brows furrowed. "Why are you so angry, what happened?" Still, she didn't budge.

"You happened." Natsuki's voice was strangled as she slammed the open door for privacy. Now there were several dents in the metal, and Natsuki was sure it would never lock properly again, but she didn't much care at the moment. "You came along, without my asking you by the way, and then...just like that, you randomly fuck off in the other direction." She felt so betrayed by those words...friends... "You can't do that." Is that what they were? She wasn't sure, but they surely weren't lovers right now either.

Enemies wasn't the right word, but they would never be simply acquaintances, they'd been through so much together, they'd never be something so simple. Her words felt like a loaded gun, like she was about to cause undue harm, but her mind was already frazzled. "Friends don't do that...they don't just leave you hanging around like that."

Shizuru struggled to keep up with Natsuki broken words, an explanation she couldn't say properly. "I didn't know I had been." That wasn't entirely true, but it also wasn't a total lie. Shizuru had been neglecting Natsuki's needs, for both of their own good, Shizuru had thought, but this wasn't her intent, she'd never expected Natsuki to act like this. "I'm right here Natsuki."

"Yeah, across the room." Natsuki hated it, the distance was so near, and yet so far away. "Normally, you're on my ass, clinging onto me, and you won't get the hell off, so what changed?"

"I don't know..." Nothing had...nothing in the entire world had actually changed in her heart, and she wanted that so much, but she couldn't bring herself to stand up. She couldn't force herself to believe that Natsuki had come here looking for something that meant so much, and ran so deep. "I just, I'm sorry." She couldn't stay put either, and her heart felt like it was being hung out to dry. "I'm sorry, Natsuki." Her tears surely had somewhere along the line.

It was bad enough when those words were echoed in memory. "There you go again." Natsuki growled, she hated those words, they seemed so...she didn't know, but she didn't want them spewing from Shizuru's mouth like that, like she was ashamed of anything. "Didn't I tell you that it's fine?"

 

Slow down now, the secrets out.  
And I swear now, I'll still make this perfect.  
What you want, what you need has been killing me.  
Try to be everything that you want me to be.  
I'll say yes, I'll undress, I'll do more for less.  
Now I'll change everything till it's perfect again.

"Yes, you did do that at least." Natsuki had said that, but she never really made it clear. They'd been dancing around the issue for some time now. "However, I thought we agreed that we should have some space."

"You wanted that, not me." Natsuki knew it too. That she'd let Shizuru put unfounded ideas into her own head, and Natsuki hadn't stopped them. Now, she was paying the price. "You wanted the space, so I let you have it but..." But what? Natsuki hadn't gotten that far. "You don't have to put space there."

"You know how I feel." Her words were always so tenderly wrapped in care. Natsuki wanted a fight that would never come, and that was always part of the problem. Even when they faced each other down, Natsuki had expected a good strong fight, but Shizuru, even in her darkest of hours, couldn't dream of hurting her. Now, what more was Shizuru to do, but go over there and comfort her, giving Natsuki everything she expected, wanted, and hoped for.

It was Shizuru's way, always and unconditionally.

So she did...she stood up, rounded the small coffee table in front of them, and put her arms around Natsuki, for the first time feeling what was being hidden so well by midnight tresses. She'd been expecting the blush that heated Natsuki's face, but there was something else there, and the droplets on the floor, they hadn't been from the rain. "Natsuki?" Her voice hadn't betrayed her...so how was Shizuru to really know? How was she to understand, when Natsuki had the strongest wall, and the best defense?

"Oh, Natsuki, don't do that." They flowed endlessly from her burning emerald eyes. She hadn't known...she hadn't seen them falling in vexed waves. "Shhh, Natsuki. Stop, it's alright." Clearly though, it wasn't. "You don't have to cry."

"You always do that." Natsuki said, her voice barely there, but her rage just as tangible. "You always put strange ideas in your head, but you never ask me. You never let me tell you what I really think, you just do all of the thinking for me." She wanted to cover her face, but that would make things hurt more. Hiding things from Shizuru always hurt. "It's like you know my every move, but if you really did..." She wouldn't have just assumed. That's what hurt the most. "You don't give me the chance."

Time could tick on by, as far as Natsuki was concerned, she didn't care. The look in Shizuru's eyes was enough to drive her insane. It was that little glimmer of hope, one Natsuki had seen several times, but no matter what she did, she could never grasp onto it in the past. It was always covered over by a mask as soon as Shizuru discovered that she'd been showing her hopes and dreams openly. "It's wrong to love another woman." Her accented voice was soft, but her words still boomed like thunder. "Even if that woman is you. I knew you'd reject me, Natsuki."

 

  
_I think it's better this way,_  
 _This is good in a bad way._  
 _It's better this way._  
 _I'll make this perfect again._  
 _I'll make this perfect again._

"You don't really believe that do you?" Natsuki asked as she ran her arm across her eyes, trying to get rid of the tears. "All that crap that you keep saying, it's stupid. There are plenty of women who are like that...same with guys. As many things as it can be, it's not wrong."

"And yet, even if you say that, I know that you'll never be able to feel the same way for me." Shizuru sighed as she backed away from Natsuki then, at least thankful that the river of emotions had begun to dry from Natsuki's eyes.

"Because you don't give me the chance." Natsuki sighed back, plopping herself down on Shizuru's sofa. "How do I know what I'm supposed to feel? I sure as hell don't know, you don't confess your pent up feelings for anyone in the middle of losing your mind, and then expect that I know just what hell was going on in your brain, when you did it." She ran her fingers through her hair. "So how do I really know?"

Shizuru shook her head. "Natsuki, this...this isn't easy for either of us, and I know that." Still, could she keep on dreaming? "But, I love you." Probably not, she knew she shouldn't. "It hurts, how much I love you. I could say it over and over again, every day, and, it wouldn't change you, or how you feel." It was clear, and still, the waters were murky. What did all of this mean? She hadn't a clue. "What do you hope to accomplish by coming here?"

"Figuring you out, for one." Natsuki said then as she looked at the history book Shizuru had been reading before. "I get it, I'm not dumb. You're in love with me, great, perfect...what do you want me to do, Shizuru? You assume so many things, but I can't play these games right now. My entire life has been turned upside down, and for the first time in god knows how long, I've got nothing better to do than gawk at the television all day. Do you realize how earth shattering that is for me?" There was nothing more to do left in her life, her only task was to be any normal high school kid, but she was nearly eighteen now. She had room for other things, and people in her life, and she wanted Shizuru most of all.

"All I want from you, is to tell me that you feel the same." Shizuru said as she licked her lips. "But we both know that can't happen. It's unrealistic at best, and at worst, I'll know it's an out right lie."

"You're right about that." Natsuki chuckled darkly as she tossed the book onto the table with a thud. "I can't give you a confession I don't have, I'm not good at that...besides, it'd be wrong to say something I'm not even sure of." That's why she only declared what she knew. When Mai had told her she was afraid to admit her true feelings, Natsuki knew Mai had hit the nail on the head. Still, it wasn't because she was afraid, she just didn't know if it was the right thing to do. She was afraid to hurt those around her. "What would you do, if the roles were reversed?"

"They wouldn't be." Shizuru's voice was so quiet, Natsuki hadn't heard her.

"What?" Natsuki pushed again.

"Our roles wouldn't be switched." Shizuru's eyes glimmered within that truth. "Even if they were, I'd know what I want."

 

  
_What you want, what you need has been killing me._  
 _And I will change everything you want me to be._  
 _I say yes, I'll undress, I'll do more for less._  
 _Now I'll change everything, whoa yeah._  
 _What you want, what you need has been killing me._  
 _(I'll make this perfect again.)_

"That's you, not me." That was easy enough. "You drive me nuts, I feel like I'm running in circles whenever I'm with you." Natsuki hated that part. "We fall into this stupid routine of joking around, but, that's the truth. As suggestive as those jokes were, you never actually came to me, calmly, and told me anything. You never told me that's how you truly felt, so, it wasn't like I could actually be there for you. If things had happened differently..." Natsuki sighed, she wasn't entirely sure of that either.

"That's simply wishful thinking." How many times had she thought about confessing? She couldn't keep count.

"It might be, but I just don't think that it is." Natsuki didn't like the tone Shizuru had, as if she'd defeated that idea before it had even had a chance to bloom. "If it had just been us, like now, and if you would have just talked to me honestly...I feel like we wouldn't be where we are now. I don't know where exactly that would be, but I think it would have been better off, you know?"

"I doubt it." Again, they'd gone around in a full circle, avoiding the real issue. Shizuru was a master at that.

But so was Natsuki. "It's not about just that." She wanted something more than this...whatever they were at this point...she wanted more. "I would have gotten used to the idea...I still will, I just need time."

"You can't get used to it. Love doesn't work that way. I wish you could, but you can't." Shizuru closed her eyes painfully tight, willing away the darkness she felt whenever she thought about not having Natsuki by her side, the sickness in her belly would make her feel suddenly ill, and then, a lump would form in the back of her throat. "It hurts so much, especially when you know you want something you can't have, or someone who just isn't yours to keep." She wanted it now too, Natsuki as a lover, and the pit of need bubbled, she hated that, she couldn't control her heart's desire though. "Yet, no matter what I want to do, I still can't act on it, because we both know you'll only be frightened by my feelings."

"So then do something...anything..." Natsuki said then, as she stood up, striding over, and forcing Shizuru to look at her. "Anything would be better than this. Even if it scares the shit outta me, it would be better than watching you beat yourself up over this." She cupped Shizuru's face in her hands, and then frowned. A scowl on her face as she backed up a bit. "You're..." ...so damn confusing...though she couldn't make those words come out. "I just wish I could understand you more."

If it was the way Natsuki's cold fingers were holding her steady so that she couldn't look away, or the way her thumbs brushed against her cheeks, Shizuru wasn't sure. Still, the glare in emerald eyes searched for something, and each heartbeat that continued beckoned for something that just wasn't there. It wasn't that it couldn't be, but the void was somehow deep enough, that the unspoken details couldn't pass through. "Why are you making it so hard?" Shizuru wanted to kiss those lips that had been bruised from likely another fist fight. Her Natsuki was always that way, always fighting something or someone, even when life was peaceful. "No one should have to deal with this kind of pain."

"Then why are you?" The low rumble in Natsuki's voice seemed nearly a cold purr. "Why go through it, when you don't have to?" There was a fear there in those emerald eyes, uncertainty at it's finest, the barest hint of a blush, shallow breathing, and the way that Natsuki's fingers trembled, there was no question about what she was pondering...rather what she intended on doing. Still, she was hesitating, and lingering moments between them made both of them feel heavy. She licked her lips, a deep sigh falling from them. "You don't have to." She said again, though this time, her voice was merely air, and hardly sound.

Her thumb traced Shizuru's lower lip, as if questioning if this really was the best idea. The intensity in her eyes flickered between lust and trepidation, as if she hated being so indecisive. She wanted it, but it was as if she was afraid of the implications. Who wouldn't be? Admitting something like this, it was so final, it would either shatter them both, or make them whole. Shizuru could see that, and the unending war in Natsuki's eyes made it clear she had no idea what to do. Her plan...or rather, her frustration had gotten her this far, but Natsuki wasn't the type of girl to do things blindly.

She always had a plan, or at least, a reason for doing the things she did. Even if it wasn't always a good one, it was there, clear as crystal.

 

  
_Try to be everything that you want me to be._  
 _I say yes, I'll undress, I'll do more for less._  
 _Now I'll change everything, I'll make this perfect again._

This time though, her wavering had meant only one thing. She hadn't gotten this far, hadn't thought about what she would do when she was confronted with everything that circled around them like a storm. So, that made questions come to mind, realities that Shizuru had never thought possible. Natsuki was likely considering her feelings, perhaps cradling them, protecting them...but Shizuru didn't want to be protected. They were both fearful creatures, ones running from their own shadows, but in that hopeful, agonizingly slow moment, she couldn't deny what she saw in Natsuki's eyes.

It was a raw want.  
A hesitant need.  
An invitation?

Shizuru wasn't sure, but she let her eyes drift close, taking in the scent of leather and lilies, closing the distance between them. Natsuki was tense at first, before melting into the kiss, chaste as it was. The innocence was alarming, the profound depth of desires more so. Still she forced herself to pull away, and her eyes hit the floor in shame. It came as a great shock when Natsuki chuckled a bit, quietly, mostly to herself as shook her head. "I guess we'll both have to get used to this."

"No, Natsuki...I couldn't possibly expect that you'll-" Those same chapped lips she'd come to love, rough around the edges, just like the woman of her affections had silenced her retort, embracing her fully as she pulled away to stare deeply into crimson eyes.

"We will." The murmur was faint, soft, and filled with uncertainty, the very same kind that had cloaked the room all afternoon, still there was hope there as her fingers played with soft tresses of fawn, her lips waning the tiniest hint of a smile. "Give me time, Shizuru, but we will."

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there you have it, a product of boredom our for your entertainment. I hope you guys liked it, now off I go to plop down and watch some television before bed.


End file.
